When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
