ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
