either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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