So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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