Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize