In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Randomize
