That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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