Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
