My hair reeks of homosexuality.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
