Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize