i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
