Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I think i got beer on your cat.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
