oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Ketchup is God's man juice
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
