Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
