Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
