i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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