why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
