ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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