yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
