fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Less talking, more tequila
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
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