I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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