fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
