I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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