I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Randomize
