He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize