Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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