2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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