She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
