Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
