I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
