I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
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