I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
