he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
