I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
