Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
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