I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Randomize
