Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
