i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
