i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
