I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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