20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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