You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
