I can tuck mytits in my pants
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
