You made me cry and you don't even care
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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