You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
