We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
