I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
