you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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