He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
