OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
the day after is always just damage control
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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