so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
