Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
