Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
