they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
