What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
