Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
