my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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