Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
