I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
