I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
