Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
